A Hellish Night Indeed.....

-2:03am-

That's strange. Why am I awake? I got to bed nice and early, i've got work tomorrow.....

Oh. Right. (flashback to last night)

*Johnny Cash's 'Ring of Fire' playing in the background*

"I think i'm going to start with the Red Hot Raspberry Margarita and a PBR"

"Wow, you guys ordered the spiciest food on the menu"

"If you want to eat that, you need to sign this waiver"

and most vividly,

"Welcome to Hell Night, your table is ready"

It came as no surprise that the raging inferno burrowing it's way through my lower intestine was a result of the ridiculous food choices I made earlier on that night. As a Hell Night rookie, I came in excited (maybe a bit too excited), pushed the boundaries, and ended up paying for it dearly. Perhaps a bit of cockiness was to blame after I easily sipped my Margarita with Raspberry – Red Fresno Chile Puree with little problem. Things went downhill from there.

Check out the insanely fiery menu: http://www.eastcoastgrill.net/menus/Hell0910.html

With 6 at our table (myself, Jordan, Matt, Jen, Wendy and Rich) we got enough Appetizers from Hell for everyone to have a nibble and the 'Russian Roulette' was an easy first choice. Instead of six chambers and one bullet, one of the six spicy Italian meatballs served was bumped from a paltry 2 bombs (that's right, all dishes are ranked on their heat by a series of cartoonish black bombs) to the brain scrambling, face-numbing 8 bombs. One-out-of six. I liked my chances.....right until I bit into the tiny meat nugget and was met by a resounding crunch. Confusion turned to curiosity, then to anxiety. Yup, I was screwed. The minced chilies and seeds filled my mouth and started reeking havoc on my all of my senses. Sweaty brow, pulsing tongue, and the instant feeling of regret. Ice water, cole slaw and corn bread with extra butter were slightly helpful in returning me to normalcy. We followed that up with a nice little corn and bacon stuffed clam. Honestly, I couldn't taste a whole hell of a lot at that point, but it was delicious and most importantly....harmless.

Despite our waiter's attempts to dissuade us from ordering this next dish, personal liability waivers were signed by the whole table and before we could say, "More cole slaw please" the biggest challenge of the night was plunked down on the table. The Pasta from Hell. Made with the infamous ghost chile and constructed by the sadistic, gas mask wearing kitchen staff, this small bowl of pain was intimidating and proved to be as mean as advertised.

Look at all of the #@*^ing chilies!!

We all slowly twirled the pepper-saturated ribbons of pasta onto our quivering forks and took a bite. Instantly, I felt a rush of heat in my mouth and over the faint snickers in the distance from our waiter, chewed and swallowed. After a few minutes of shallow breathing, and gauging reactions across the table, I felt like a commercial for a drug that hadn't quite yet been perfected.

*Pasta from Hell should not be taken if you are pregnant, or plan on becoming pregnant. Some side effects could include:

- temperature changes ranging from 'rolling up sleeves' hot to 'is the air conditioning blowing right on me?' cold

- uncontrollable shaking

- the urge to curse

- digestive issues of biblical proportions

Do not try to operate heavy machinery after taking Pasta from Hell. You might not want to leave your apartment for a while either as Pasta from Hell's potency can last for quite sometime.

Big ups to Wendy for taking initiative and reaching for the ghastly pasta first and Rich for being the downright craziest for taking bite after bite. I'm not sure if there are enough yogurt cups or Rolaids in the world to extinguish what he must have gone through.

We hit the peak of the crescendo with the pasta, but the accompanying "Wings of Ass Destruction" were a bit feisty as well. Since there was actual taste and not just burn, I was able to tackle 3 of those little guys. A good choice at the time....not so much later.

By the time our main courses were dropped off, my taste buds were completely trashed. This proved to be a good thing though. The torched exterior of my tongue no longer picked up on the intense spices, but merely the amazingly diverse flavors of the Korean Fried Chicken Thigh with Peach Kimchee and the Jamaican-style Pork done 3 Ways.

For those of you keeping score at home, the number of bombs digested at Hell Night 2010.

3+8+3+7+9+4+7=41 bombs

All in all, the East Coast Grill and their staff did an amazing job of creating inventive fireball dishes, and hosting a completely idiotic, painful and awesome event. See you next time!

Minus the pasta though......